Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Learnings from Parenthood V

Some basic rules to deal with babies and their parents

All babies under age 1 are cute. ( by definition)

  1. If you find a baby who is not exactly cute….refer to Rule 1.

  2. Number of “U” s in “Cuuute” can be used to impress baby’s parents about how much you appreciate the baby. The number of U s is directly proportional to your appreciation of baby.

  3. Some words can be pronounced wrongly to create an impression that you are really impressed with the baby. Eg “So sweet” will create a moderate effect about what you feel about the baby. But for special effect same words can be pronounced as “Chooo chweet”.

  4. Rule 3 applies to “O” s in Cho and “E” s in chweet.

  5. These sounds can be used to impress only the parents, babies don’t understand them anyway.

  6. All babies are intelligent till age of 1. Parents are genuinely impressed by each action baby makes with her hand, legs or any undescribable sound that the baby makes. Never trivialize these actions.

  7. Meaningless blabbering of the baby triggers certain chemicals in right brains of the parents that make them creative. Somehow all parents are able to interpret the blabbering of the kids in a perfectly meaningful way which may bear no resemblance to reality.

  8. Then you will wonder if all of us born with same intelligence level till age 1, why do we see people of different intelligence levels around us. It can be explained by Rule 7 which states that similar to Newton’s law of cooling babies start losing their intelligence due to dumbness of grown ups around them. The rate of loss of intelligence is directly proportional to the square of difference between intelligence of the baby and grown-ups around her.

  9. This process continues till equlibrium is achieved.

Rules for answering most popular FAQ : Whom does the baby look like the father or the mother?

Popular misconceptions : Most people believe that to answer the question who have to look at the baby study his face or features match them with that of father’s or mother’s and then answer the question. Most of those who take this approach, keep observing the baby and never reach any conclusion and land up annoying the parents. It is not necessary that the answer should bear any resemblance to the reality or looks of the baby. This question should be answered to make the parent happy.

Following illustration would make this point clearer.

Girlfriend : Am I looking fat?

Novice Boyfriend : ummm….let me see….turnaround…I don’t think so. (You can be sure that such a boyfriend is heading for a break-up)

Girlfriends : Am I looking fat?

Experienced Boyfriend : No. (for better results No should be pronounced even before the question si completed) not at all.

(The answer does not depend on fatness of the girlfriend at all. The answer is NO by definition and No has to be said in a very convincing and sponteneous manner)

Please follow the rules to answer MPFAQ

Rule 1 : If you know the father more than the mother then the answer is “Baby resembles the father”

Rule 2 : If you know the mother more than the father the answer is “Baby resembles the mother”

Rule 3 : If you know both of them equally the answer is “ummm…baby looks a bit like both of you” (For better results you can add difficult to verify comments like  “chin resemble XXXX” or “side profile looks like YYY”)

Rule 4 : If you don’t know both of them that well then the answer is “Baby resembles the father” (Your natural curiousity will force you to ask the question “Why should benefit of doubt go to father” Answer is Mother knows, father believes)

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