Five Learnings about Feminism

I had missed Deepika’s “My Choice” video when it was at it peak of circulation. I did read some cryptic and most others forthright messages commenting on the video.  I did read all the spoofs, rebuttals and counter-attacks on this video. I could understand why men are reacting to the video that way but when I saw some women disapproving the video, I decided to watch it and talk and blog about it. 

The video is visually stunning, the script is powerful, the presentation is gripping only one problem they claim to represent women from all walks of life in India. If this video claimed to represent Deepika’s own views I would have stood up and applauded the video. There is nothing objectionable about the video if Deepika is talking for herself. But sadly that wasn’t the case. The introduction to the video talks about empowering women, trying to include women from all walks of life but sadly most of noticeable faces belong to certain enviable class of women where only burning problems are what to wear and whom to have sex with. Thats where they get disconnected with Indian women at large. My guess is, most women who are disapproving the video are not necessarily upset with the message but probably they are upset that Deepika is claiming that she represents them.

So I decided to talk to some good friends and do some soul searching. Result is five important learnings about Feminism.

1. Feminism has nothing to do with men : The common misconception which is sadly amplified by “My Choice” video is feminist females want to break all shackles, all rules and challenge men on their turf. Also calling for men-women equality is not fair especially to women, they are far more capable. So men have to stop feeling threatened and women need to take feminism above men. Feminism has to be about females. fullstop.


2. Feminism is highly individual matter: I think most conflicts happen when someone tries to generalize feminism, same cardinal mistake done in the video. I spoke to many of my women-friends about feminism. What I consistently heard is feminism is freedom to do what the woman wants without fear of being judged within the boundaries drawn for herself by the woman. I think this is the most important point. Each woman should have freedom to draw her own boundaries and be free within them.


3. Feminism may be at risk from other women too : Like men should not define the boundaries for the woman, other women should also not define boundaries for her. Like men should not judge the woman on choices she makes, other women should also not judge her in the choices she makes. That's why when Deepika says “having sex outside marriage is my choice, having sex with man or woman or both my choice” many women disapprove. Probably, they mean - “Speak for yourself lady. We are neither interested in sex outside marriage nor with women” This is my guess.


4. Feminism is many enemies in disguise : At the cost of sounding sensational, I want to say that feminism is at a very high risk from industries such as fashion /beauty industry than MCPs. I read an interesting quote “World would go into recession if tomorrow all women get up and feel happy about their body, looks, hair, nails etc etc” I am sorry to say but current fashion / beauty industry are enemies in disguise for women. They are designed to exploit vulnerabilities and make women want things which otherwise they won’t care.  They manipulate woman’s mind and change the boundaries that woman would define for themselves. In the name of liberation they create lifestyle and images that are neither desirable nor achievable. Feminist woman should therefore save themselves from these organized enemies in disguise.


5. Suppression / Liberation are feelings, don’t judge them by looks: I had heard a joke - If you are driving on a highway anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster is a reckless driver. Symptoms of feminism are similar. If some woman have more restrictions than you does not mean they are suppressed and on the contrary just because some others have more freedom does not mean they are liberated. Just because women is certain countries wear burkha / hijaab doesn’t mean they are suppressed. Just because women in certain countries can do whatever they want does not mean they are liberated. Its all about what those women feel inside, don’t judge by what you see. 

My appeal to all men is treat feminism as the most appropriate way to make your woman happy.

My appeal to all women is make feminism a completely private matter, be protective about it not just from men but from other women and enemies who appear to be friends.

Try to miss your flight once in a while!

A few months ago I missed my flight. I was supposed to travel to Jakarta; there was no pressing meeting immediately after I landed. Probably, that is the reason I took it easy. I overslept; I had not pre-booked the taxi so it took me a while to get one. The traffic was a lot worse than usual and worst of all despite all my travel experience I had forgot to tele-check-in. I knew well before I reached the airport that I may not be able to make it in time. So I started praying to none in particular, I mean who do you pray to and what do you say? So I just wished that some miracle happens and I reach there before time.

 But I didn’t. I got down from the cab and ran towards the check-in counters. They were crowded so I went to self-check in counters and entered all my details. The faithful machine won’t give me my boarding pass. So I looked around helplessly, when the sales person deputed to help the self-check-in customers found me and took me to a special counter. My despair took a positive turn; I started seeing imaginary light at the end of the tunnel.

 The person at the counter informed me that the flight had been closed for check-in and there is nothing he could do.

I refused to give up and said, “I don’t have any check-in luggage. I will zip through the immigration. Please do something and issue a boarding pass”

He gave me a wry smile, supressed his irritation and contempt for passengers who turn up late and irritate him and said, “Sir, the counter closes 50 minutes before the departure. You are late. Very late.”

“I got stuck in traffic”, that was my spontaneous excuse. But why should he be bothered? Why should he go beyond call of his duty? But all these questions never occurred to me. I just wanted to miraculously make him change his mind and get that boarding pass. I went on for another 10 minutes without making any sense and he lost his patience.

He said, “Please meet my duty manager” Actually, he was turning me down but I felt as if he has given me another opportunity or told me another approach which might work. My awful feeling inside was going through sinusoidal wave.

I ran to the duty manager who was busy speaking in his walkie-talkie. I explained my ‘unique’ problem to him and requested him to issue me a boarding pass. He typed something on his keyboard, furiously looked at his computer screen for a minute or two and said, “Sorry sir, we can’t help you. The boarding has already started. They are about to close the gate. We have to go by rules”

It became clear to me that I am not boarding that flight. I had nobody else but myself to be blamed. I sat for a while to think about the repercussions. Firstly, I had to find the next flight. Communicate that timing to my office in Jakarta to ensure the pick-up arrives on revised time. I was planning to meet a friend over dinner which had to be changed to drinks post dinner. I had to inform wife who might be tracking my flight and landing time and may get worried. There were so many loose ends to take care of.

I first booked my ticket and checked-in. Then called my wife to inform her she was quite concerned but I assured her that I would be able to manage the situation. Then I messaged my team, my Jakarta office, my friend etc. It took me next 30 minutes to set things right.

Although, it was a relatively minor incident and my missing flight didn’t really matter much, I became very alert. I would leave for the airport 30 minutes too early; I would ensure that I was tele-checked-in and carry a printed boarding pass no matter what.  I always pre-booked my taxi and watched the map before I left to see the traffic conditions and choose my route wisely. Ever since then I became extra cautious and determined not to miss my flight ever again.

I have been travelling for work for last 19 years. This was probably the first time I missed my flight due to carelessness. But it just shook me out of my complacency. It helped me to re-focus on the way I was planning my travel and helped to improve some aspects of it. Although, the pain of uncertainty and fear of losing face were temporary, they made their mark. They became the constant reminder not to slip back in comfort zone and take things for granted. All in all I had taken the entire episode very positively and worked on it to make things better for me.

How exciting would it be, I thought to myself, if we are able to treat our life experiences this way. How nice would it be if we are able to take a minor spousal argument this way and make necessary changes to ourselves to be a better couple? Or how productive would it be if we took that small order loss seriously and reviewed the entire sales process? Or how punctual would we be if we took that minor slippage in deadline seriously to put the entire project back on track? May be these small slippages in life or work don’t cause so much pain as missing flight would cause. Or maybe we don’t own it up and blame someone else for the slippage and therefore miss this opportunity to set everything right. Or maybe we don’t try to fix the right problem. Whatever may be the reason, I thought  that we don’t react to these small inconsequential slip-ups in life as much as we could. May be choosing to react to them in a right way may change life for better.

…So try and lose the flight once in a while, you may not regret it!!

Do you listen to radio often?

When I grew up in 70s and 80s in developing country like India my options in pretty much everything were limited, including listening to music. I was quite fond of listening to music but the only available source of music back then was our radio. The sound quality was average, programs had fixed timing. The concept of RJ was non existent, I assumed that news readers announced the next songs in dull and drab manner without an iota of excitement. But the best part of listening to the radio was listening to new music. One could never guess what the next song would be and if you liked the song you could never know when you would get to listen to it again. I didn't have any means to record the song so I would sit with a notebook and try to write down the lyrics. I could not pause the song to write down the lyrics nor could I rewind the song that I liked nor could I fast forward a song that I didn't like. I could just enjoy the music with all its uncertainties.

Things did evolve ever since. I got my cassette player which ensured I got my favorite music albeit in the most predictable and hence boring manner. After I listened to a cassette a few times, I would start humming the next song even before the song was over. The extreme predictability made it boring.

Then I bought my CD player. My own favorite music with randomization function made things very interesting. A small change that made the music interesting. Now off course, I listen to spooled music from web. I create virtual playlists, combine songs from different movies, different artists, different eras and randomize them to listen. Its a bliss! Everything that you wanted, nothing that you didn't want and presented in an interesting manner. I can pause, rewind and fast forward as I please. There is no need to listen to radio anymore.

But life comes with its own twists and turns. One day my phone was discharged and I switched on the radio again. To my surprise I enjoyed it again. I listened to some new songs which I could have never found in my new music search. I listened to some new artists whom I had rejected initially. I did listen to a lot of songs which I didn't like but I really enjoyed the unpredictability, the suspense, the excitement again. I went back to my playlist and added those songs to make it even more interesting. A dash of newness made my playlist more interesting. Since then I make it a point to listen to radio for a while and keep on enriching my playlist.

Come to think about it, how is life any different? We love our all predictable, favorable routine. But what is the fun without a dash of unpredictability, a dash of adventure, a dash of unexpected song. It may not work out exactly the way you want but thats where the fun lies!

Keep the life interesting keep sometime to listen to radio everyday!

Would you like to live the time of your life?

I am an overworked, over-travelled corporate worker who always chases some deadlines or targets. Ever since, I crossed 40, I am trying to lead balanced life. In true corporate style, I started to look at my life analytically. By prevalent working norms in workaholic Singapore, I leave my office rather early at 630 PM. I spend early evening with my son playing, doing his homework. Our family of three sits down for dinner everyday sans mobile on a dinning table to share daily updates. Once my son is asleep me and my wife chat up or watch a movie. I never miss my weekly skype call with my parents, parent-in-laws and chat with siblings. I catch up with my colleagues occasionally on friday evening drink. All neighbor-friends get together for a monthly drink party... It almost sounds perfect doesn't it? Well everybody said so but I wasn't sure. I still thought something was missing. I had all boxes ticked still there were blank areas.

Then our school- friends reunion happened. It started as a freak idea to get together away from home, without spouses and kids and have non-stop fun for 4-5 days. This concept was inspired by the movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (ZNMD), we wanted to create those carefree moments for ourselves and live them for a short while. We were not sure how many of us would be ready to take the bait. To our surprise almost a dozen of us turned up in Singapore. Everyone took leave from our workplaces, our families, our clients, our meetings, our deadlines, our calendars, our mobiles and most importantly from various roles we were tired of playing in our day to day lives.

The Reunion was almost like a time-machine. As soon as we met, the entire group of 40 somethings got transformed into a group of 20 somethings with 20 years of experience. We drove, walked, swam, ate, drank, slept, snorkeled, sailed, wound down, laughed, cried, got scared, cooked, sang, got drunk, danced together for 4 days non-stop. We talked about our friendships, our fights, our studies, our secret crushes and got reconnected. What we had was 100 hours of unadulterated fun. We had switched off from our roles and responsibilities for a while and lived a tension-free life.

This had a miraculous effect on all of us. When you are working on the computer/phone for a long time, it slows down, colors are dull, music is offbeat, nothing works; then you restart your computer/ phone and everything works fine, colors are bright, music finds its rhythm. This Reunion had the same effect on us. One month after this unforgettable trip we all are happier and motivated in life.

We got our moments that we will cherish for life. We are all back to grind but life feels more balanced. We were perfectly happy with our families, colleagues and neighbors but friends was the missing link. The carefree fun time was the missing link. Connection with friends who knew you when you were nobody, was the missing link.

Now its our annual resolution to create a few moments in our own lives that would last us for the lifetime. How would you take that as a new year resolution!

Discover another way to excite the fans!

You think you have figured it all out! You have seen enough of world to know what would work and what won’t. And then something comes along which completely contrasts whatever you know and still achieves better results and teaches you a new contrasting way to do the same thing. It happened to me when I attended Pritam Live in Concert with Mohit yesterday in Singapore.

This was my first concert in Singapore. To avoid disappointment I told myself to keep the expectations very low. I had attended quite a few live shows and was blown over by them. With due respect neither Pritam nor Mohit fit my mental profile of crowd charmers. They are great artists but getting live on the stage and connect with thousand fans and involve them in your performance is a different matter altogether.

This concert reminded me of the Shahrukh - Juhi show which I saw on a cold February night in Bangalore a few years ago. I would say it was a experience of my life time. Shahrukh Khan is a livewire, charming yet sincere performer. He is a superstar, being able to connect with audience comes as naturally to him as batting to  Sachin Tendulkar or Tabla to Zakir Hussain. The crowd went hysteric the moment  he made a dramatic entry on the stage. People were just so excited to see him. He enjoyed his performance. It was very cold and  we wrapped ourselves in shawls and sweaters as we watched him perform. To our surprise, he poured a bottle of cold water on his head before dancing to  “Chhaiyya Chaiyya” just to get the same effect that we see on the screen. He danced, he jumped, he sang, he invited audience to dance on stage, he painted, he teased and romanced Juhi, kicked some basketballs in the crowd and a gathering of five six thousand fans went hysteric!! I heard something similar from those who went for Sonu Nigam show. I thought thats the way to connect. You need to be a star, you need to be a charmer, you need to be larger than life to excite your fans!!

Then I attended Shiv Kumar Sharma, Hari Prasad Chourasia and Zakir Hussain concert. Although, their style was completely in contrast to Shahrukh Khan, that concert was also an experience of my lifetime. All three elderly artists had saintlike expressions on their faces, they walked on stage and greeted the entire audience with - Namaskar - folded hands as if we were their Gods and then got down to their business. Their art was so sublime that they didn’t need to do anything to connect with the audience. They were completely into themselves. Their way of performance was almost like a meditation, they didn’t care too much about the audience because they were performing for themselves. Since they were so talented and experienced, they pulled all of us with them. At the end of three hours every single person in the audience felt hypnotized. I realized this was another way to excite your audience. I saw a few concerts by AR Rehman, Shiv Mani on the screen and I realized they fall into the same category. They didn't need to do anything to connect with the audience, audience connected with them thru their art. The art is so good, so sublime and they performed as if they were worshipping the art the excited their audience!!

Pritam was neither a Shahrukh Khan nor AR Rehman. Then how was he going to excite this gathering of thousands of his fans and followers, I kept thinking as the concert began on a down-to-earth note. No dramatic entry, no greetings to  the crowd, no ice-breaker, as the lights went on Pritam was standing at the center of the stage with his guitar and just started singing his favorite number. I lowered my expectations a little further and decided to enjoy just the live performance of my favorite artist. As the tempo built up I saw the crowd warming up and a few enthusiastic fans tapping their feet. Then Pritam did something unthinkable and unprecedented. He stepped down from the stage and entered the audience and started dancing and singing from a small group of dancers. This was exciting, suddenly he was one among us. Moments ago he was on a pedestal in the limelight so far from us, almost unreachable and the very next moment he was among us. We could touch him, feel him, smell him and sing and dance with him. None of us expected this. Suddenly, more and more dance groups popped up. He went right up to the last row in the audience and got everyone on their feet. This was not all. Mohit who undoubtedly the star attraction of the show was introduced by Pritam. The band started playing and we heard Mohit’s familiar voice but he wasn’t on the stage!! Where was he? And we realized that the man walking past us with a mike in his hand was Mohit!! He danced with a few of us before entering the stage. The boundary lines between the performers and audience vanished. All the stars were among us, we were among the stars. Needless to say, the hysteria peaked. For last few songs, all of us were on our feets singing, dancing, clapping whistling. How we sang or danced didn’t matter because our stars were with us. This was another experience of my lifetime!!

This was another way to excite the fans and connect with followers. Fans know they are special, they are adored for their talent but they can choose to disregard this and  be one among fans!! Discover another contrasting way to connect with your fans and followers!!

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